Other than writing, working and sleeping, not much is new but the weather has been nice and it's not humid anymore :). Here is more of my story, if anything was repeated I do apologize.
She remembered why and she still couldn’t figure out the symbols but she pushed it aside and got ready for school. She picked out a long sleeve shirt that was red and a pair of jean pants for school and her hair was straight.
Klohe met up with her friend Mary on the way to school but she didn’t notice because Klohe’s mind was on her family legend.
Why are some of the symbols familar to me? I don’t get it and everytime I look at the symbol for water, I see water not in reality but in my mind and it surrounds me. Why? Thought Klohe.
Hello?! Klohe?!?! Earth to Klohe! said Mary
These thoughts that were running through Klohe’s mind were keeping her up late at night. It made her feel more like herself, like where she belonged and these symbols were calling to her. Finally Klohe noticed her friend Mary trying to get her attention.
Hi Mary, sorry just my “family legend” they both said in unison.
I know Klohe but you really need to give it a rest and study for school, your grades are not that great and if you want to go to Duke University, you need to get your grades up! Besides, how much sleep did you get last night? I can tell you were up late, said Mary.
I know Mary and I was up until 4:20am, Matt gave me a book on legends and my family legen.....
Wait, what?! Matt gave you the book!? Mary asked shocked.
Yes he did, he is not a bad guy Mary! He is my friend and he thought I might like to read up on legends and read about my family’s legend, said Klohe.
Matt is not to be trusted at all and he is only after you because he knows how to manipulate you! You need to stay away from him Klohe! Mary said.
Let me know what you think even if you didn't like it! I am now going to do a few things and relax since I have the weekend off and do more writing.
Klohe met up with her friend Mary on the way to school but she didn’t notice because Klohe’s mind was on her family legend.
Why are some of the symbols familar to me? I don’t get it and everytime I look at the symbol for water, I see water not in reality but in my mind and it surrounds me. Why? Thought Klohe.
Hello?! Klohe?!?! Earth to Klohe! said Mary
These thoughts that were running through Klohe’s mind were keeping her up late at night. It made her feel more like herself, like where she belonged and these symbols were calling to her. Finally Klohe noticed her friend Mary trying to get her attention.
Hi Mary, sorry just my “family legend” they both said in unison.
I know Klohe but you really need to give it a rest and study for school, your grades are not that great and if you want to go to Duke University, you need to get your grades up! Besides, how much sleep did you get last night? I can tell you were up late, said Mary.
I know Mary and I was up until 4:20am, Matt gave me a book on legends and my family legen.....
Wait, what?! Matt gave you the book!? Mary asked shocked.
Yes he did, he is not a bad guy Mary! He is my friend and he thought I might like to read up on legends and read about my family’s legend, said Klohe.
Matt is not to be trusted at all and he is only after you because he knows how to manipulate you! You need to stay away from him Klohe! Mary said.
Let me know what you think even if you didn't like it! I am now going to do a few things and relax since I have the weekend off and do more writing.
The framework for the legend is interesting... the reader now knows that the legend is part of Klohe's family history. This adds a nice dimension to the storyline and provides good rationale for Klohe's preoccupation with finding the meaning of the mysterious symbols. A reader can easily identify with Klohe's quest to unravel hidden secrets that may affect her life and her true identity.
ReplyDeleteThe introduction of Klohe's friend Matt immediately sparks a number of questions, and alludes to his greater role in the story that will keep readers wondering just how his relationship with Klohe will progress, if at all, and if so, in what way.
I think the reader can also sense that Klohe is destined for a life far greater and more exciting than her current one.
My only suggestion thus far is perhaps a more modern name for Klohe's school friend -- it keeps the characters fresh and timely. If you haven't already done so, you might want to check out some of the babyname sites for ideas. The US Census Bureau also provides lists of names based on birth year.
I hope you are able to sort out everything else. As far as your story goes, I think it is very appealing so far.
I look forward to stopping by again. Have a great weekend.
J.L.
I am glad for your happy ending.
ReplyDeleteAbout legend. It is a promising beginning. I join to J.L. comments about the framework but I have anything to say against the names of characters, I don`t mind to "Matt" and "Mary".
And one more thing. I would be very obliged to you if you would have been more careful with a punctuation marks (especially in direct speech). I live in non-English-speaking country and sometimes it is very difficult to me to understand who is speaking at the moment.
And the last: sorry for my bad English =)
Thank you J.L. for your insight. I will think about what you said and see what changes will be made.
ReplyDeleteFirefly:
Thank you for letting me know about punctuation marks and having them correctly in direct speech, I will work on that since you made me aware.
Also I think your english is good.
Thanks again.
I really like the way this story starts out as a mystery. Is it going to be a vampire-type story? Just curious.
ReplyDeletei also like the legend concept esp.for a ya novel. wondering what kind of supernatural forces will be involved. great beginning.
ReplyDeleteI didn't realize that more people commented until I looked today. Thank you!!!! This makes me happy and helps me too.
ReplyDeleteChris: I'm not sure if it will be a vampire type story but it could be. I will give it some thought over the weekend and let everyone know when I post on Monday.
Anon1haRUgEz: Thanks for commenting and liking the begining. I will post more next week.